I found out the news on June 2 that we were not pregnant. I dropped to the floor and sobbed. I was crying so hard that I vomited. My heart aches. It's now June 4 and I am still a wreck. I am heartbroken, angry, sad, any emotion that one could feel, I feel right now. One moment I just break out crying, then next I am screaming. My heart physically hurts. This is a pain that I wish upon no one. No one knows the pain of infertility unless one has gone through this. As I sit here and write this I am balling. I wanted so badly for my little boy to be a big brother. I yearn for the chance to hold another baby in my arms to raise another child in the gospel and give them the life that they deserve. I have thought of embryo adoption, but then again that is expensive ($5,000 - $7,000), I have thought about adoption through LDS services or other agencies, but then again that is expensive ($10,000 - $15,000). We are broke...we used every cent we had to pay for our last IVF, we short sold our house to save money because to us FAMILY is more important than any house, car, or material thing. My heart just aches, I am just lost and at a dead end. Those of you reading this and have children of your own and don't struggle with infertility..CHERISH them...don't EVER take them for granted. I realize just how LUCKY I am to have my little boy. He is my sunshine. It's not fair that some children are born to families who don't want them or abuse them or KILL them like the Ethan Stacy. But life just isn't fair. Hopefully one day I will see the bigger picture that the Lord has in store for me, but for now I just have to stay strong and have faith and get through this hard trial and time. Just please cherish your children.
WHY THIS BLOG
I have put together this blog for others as well as mainly to vent my feelings on infertility and to make others aware of infertility. My goal is to eventually start a charity or non profit organization and help other couples afford infertility treatment or adoption. I am currently raising money to be able to do another infertility treatment whether it be embryo adoption, adoption or yet another cycle of IVF. It's still too soon for me to know what I want to do and if I want to go through another IVF.
Friday, June 4, 2010
My thoughts all random...
Posted by Mike and Leslie at 7:03 AM
Labels: adoption, embryo adoption, faith, family, ICSI, infertility, reproductive care center, trials
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3 Comments:
Looking for ANYONE that knows what I am going through, with two pregnant sisters, and 20 friends online, we just found out yesterday that we are still not pregnant. The tears have dried, but the pain is ACHING. Thank you for your blog. If you want to friend me on FB we can trade stories.
Leslie - I am so sorry to hear about your heartache. I got tears in my eyes as I read your comment to me and just read your posts. I know the pain is deep and overwhelming. You've done everything you can and have held on to the hope that it would work, only to find that it didn't and it is devastating.
I know the road of infertility is a difficult one and we can either crumble in its path or somehow find the will to stay strong. Although we've never met, I will keep you in my prayers because I know what it feels like to need strength from other people when it's hard to find my own.
With love,
Shannon
We need to talk...I have been there and done that. We have done the In-Vitro thing with 3 frozen cycles and one fresh, we got our little Hannah and then adopted Lia. We are now going through the In-Vitro again right now. I would love to talk with you or get together some time.
Niki Martins
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