My thoughts all random...

I found out the news on June 2 that we were not pregnant. I dropped to the floor and sobbed. I was crying so hard that I vomited. My heart aches. It's now June 4 and I am still a wreck. I am heartbroken, angry, sad, any emotion that one could feel, I feel right now. One moment I just break out crying, then next I am screaming. My heart physically hurts. This is a pain that I wish upon no one. No one knows the pain of infertility unless one has gone through this. As I sit here and write this I am balling. I wanted so badly for my little boy to be a big brother. I yearn for the chance to hold another baby in my arms to raise another child in the gospel and give them the life that they deserve. I have thought of embryo adoption, but then again that is expensive ($5,000 - $7,000), I have thought about adoption through LDS services or other agencies, but then again that is expensive ($10,000 - $15,000). We are broke...we used every cent we had to pay for our last IVF, we short sold our house to save money because to us FAMILY is more important than any house, car, or material thing. My heart just aches, I am just lost and at a dead end. Those of you reading this and have children of your own and don't struggle with infertility..CHERISH them...don't EVER take them for granted. I realize just how LUCKY I am to have my little boy. He is my sunshine. It's not fair that some children are born to families who don't want them or abuse them or KILL them like the Ethan Stacy. But life just isn't fair. Hopefully one day I will see the bigger picture that the Lord has in store for me, but for now I just have to stay strong and have faith and get through this hard trial and time. Just please cherish your children.

How it all works..

It starts with going on birth control for about 10-15 days, then you are on Lupron (luprolide) injection shots for about 2 weeks, then you have a suppression check and if that turns out good, then you start on your FSH hormone shots which grow the follicles. Then when your follicles are ready (doctor decides this), you go a trigger shot of HCG which is done exactly 36 hours before your eggs are releases and at that time, you have surgery to harvest your eggs on the 35th hour. After the eggs are harvested (egg retrieval), then the sperm is injected into the egg (ICSI), they are then watched and transfered back into the uterus either on Day 3 or Day 5 of Transfer. After the Egg retrieval, you start on progesterone and 81mg of asprin. On the day of Transfer (either day 3 or day 5), you are then on bed rest for 24 hours. You then have the two week wait (2WW) until you go and take your blood test to find out if you are pregnant.

A quick little tidbit ...

To tell you a little bit about us, I am a 28 y/o female and my husband is 31 y/o. We suffer from Male Factor infertility ( my husband does not have the acrosome on his sperm to bury into the egg therefore we have to do a procedure called ICSI)as well as possibly Female infertility from me being premature at birth and weighing 1 lb. 14 oz. We did IVF back in 2005 in Colorado with Dr. William Schoolcraft and David Gardner. I don't remember how many eggs we got, but we did a day 5 transfer and put in two blasts, neither of those took and we did not have any left over to freeze. We did IVF back in 2006 at Reproductive Care Center and they retrieved 16 eggs. was able to do ICSI on 9 of those eggs, out of those 9, 5 fertilized. We had two good quality (8 cell and 7 cell) and a fair quality 5 cell. the other two were 4 cell and poor quality. We transferred 3 embryos (8c,7c,5c) on day 3 and out of those three, one of them took and he is now a healthy 3 year old boy. We just did our third IVF cycle at Reproductive Care Center in Sandy, Utah and we got 21 eggs, out of those 21, we were able to do ICSI on 12. Out of those 12, 7 fertilized. We had two 8 cell fair minus quality, one 7 cell good quality, two 4 cell fair minus quality and two 5 cell fair minus quality. We did a day three transfer and put in 4 embryos (two 8c, one 7c and one 5c), we just got our BFN yesterday (June 2).